Breaking the Cycle of Self-Sabotage: How to Stop Self-Doubt and Thrive

Ever feel like you're getting in your own way? Yeah, we’ve been there. In this episode of *Not Nice, Clever,* we dive deep into the real talk on self-sabotage—how it shows up, why it happens, and most importantly, how to overcome it.

We’re sharing personal stories and unpacking how perfectionism, imposter syndrome, and self-doubt can derail even the most driven among us. We’re also serving up some actionable strategies to help you stop the self-sabotage cycle in its tracks. 

If you’re ready to stop letting self doubt hold you back, this episode is a must-listen.

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• Candice Carcioppolo
• Kat Torre

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Transcript

Hi, I'm Kat, marketer turned brand storyteller. And I'm Candice, educator turned entrepreneur. And you're listening to Not Nice, Clever. As CEOs and leaders, it's your job to always have the answers. But sometimes you need a little help. Leverage, if you will. We get it. This is the place for you. So wherever you're listening, 530 AM Club at the gym, on your way to your next meeting or putting out today's fire, let's get into it.

In today's episode of Not Nice Clever, we are talking about the taboo topic of self-sabotage. Look, I know you've been there. You know you've been there. Kat and I have been there. So let's just open up the conversation about what self-sabotage looks like, why we do it, and how we can avoid it. And I'm sure Kat and I will share some examples of our own stories along the way. Yeah. Also, I was there yesterday. I was there last week.

Like just because you see me doing the things and you see Candace doing the things, sometimes self-sabotage creeps up. I feel like it's just an example or evidence that you're growing because then you're like uncomfortable and you're a little uncertain and a little unsure. then you're like, maybe just like maybe step back into the comfort zone and not grow and not change. You know, I think it's just evidence of that. I think it's absolutely evidence of that.

We'll share a story I probably shared here on Not Nice Clever before, but if you're new to the Clever crew, then here it goes. Three years ago when I was on Clubhouse in the Sirhant room, I got a message from the president of Sirhant Ventures after I talked in the Clubhouse room and he was like, we should talk. And at that time I was, you know, a little bit out of my education career. I'd started my coaching business, but it is

not anywhere, it was not anywhere near where it is today. And I felt like major imposter syndrome, like how am going to talk to the president of Sir Hunt Ventures, like Ryan Sir Hunt is like the greatest real estate agent ever. And I just started working with real estate agents. My family was in real estate. So I feel like I have a little bit of an edge on background of

like the real estate life in lingo because of my parents, but I had only probably worked with a handful of real estate agents at that time. And so when I was like going in for the, I don't even know if we call it an interview, but like the first initial talk, I felt really strange about it. And then he gave me like an assignment to do before I met the rest of the team. And I had the assignment and I was like looking at it at home and he was like, you know, turn it in on this day. We'll review it, see if you're a good fit.

And I remember calling my best friend and being like, I don't think I could do this. She's like, what's the assignment? told her. She was like, you do that all the time, Candice. What do mean you can't do that? That is exactly what you your clients do. Yeah. The assignment was basically like, how would you coach this person to build their brand? And it gave like all of the background information on the person and like where, are the next steps you would take with them and like, how would you implement that?

which is literally exactly what I did with my clients. But for some reason, since we were on a whole other level in my mind, I'm like, I'm not good enough for this. This is not for me for some reason because I, in my mind, maybe haven't earned it, which is such a weird concept, like the idea that you have to earn something through someone giving you their stamp of approval.

instead of earning it through your own commitment to learning, your own commitment to growth, your own experiences with clients. So she was basically like, I bet you're filling this out. Don't care. Don't care what you say. You're taking this opportunity. You're not going to let this opportunity go. And so I, of course, procrastinated for the last possible second. We love a good procrastination train. yeah. Right? I had it for a week.

I was like at the last hour typing away like frantically because self-sabotage because like, maybe if I missed the deadline, then it wasn't right for me or whatever, right? Right. Or I'm just going to pretend I didn't see the email and then maybe I'll just never look at it. And it's just like, you know, it's just a thing that happened. was a conversation that went anywhere. And here I am three years later, just celebrated my three year anniversary working with Ryan at Sell It. And one of the most senior

brand strategists on the team have built incredible relationships across the world at this point because I said yes, it was a meek yes. It was a maybe, I guess we'll try. And really because my best friend told me to, honestly. Was this Corey? Yeah. Yeah. Well, And that is why Kat and I preach about the people that you surround yourself with.

because I need Kat's delusional, hell yeah, Candice, you could do that, for me to actually take the scary steps sometimes. And I am prone to self-sabotage if I'm not in community with people who are hyping me up, who are telling me that I'm worthy and good enough and have stuff to offer. And I'm getting emotional right now, awkward.

I can tell it's okay. Nobody's watching. Nobody's listening. Yeah. It's not recording. It's embarrassing. No, but I think you bring up a good point. Well, first of all, thank you, Corey. I'm going to send this to you when this episode publishes because thank God you talk some sense into Candace before she and I also became friends. And now we're just continuing to talk sense into one another. Anytime we back up against a new unknown.

Clever crew, if I had said no to this, I never would have met Kat and we wouldn't be over 200 episodes deep in not nice clever. I can't imagine. So I think the important thing to take away is that everybody self sabotages everybody. It just depends on how long they're self sabotaging. If they're aware of it, if they nip it in the bud, if they self sabotage on the same things or different things as they're breaking through to different levels. But it's really

easy. It's easier to recognize that you're sabotaging yourself if you are like you said, Candice in community and surrounded by people who can call you on your bullshit when they're like, yes, you can do this. Right. So and yeah, I think if you if you're watching this or listening to this and you've been finding yourself making excuses or you've been procrastinating and I'm not talking about the like

This is different than, cause I want to call this out. Cause I know some in our clever crew, I've had conversations with you guys about being a peak performer where like you deliberately wait till the last minute. Cause you need that like adrenaline rush of like, my gosh, it's down to the wire. I'm that person. like that's different, right? Then procrastinating, procrastinating is like, you know, you've got a sore tooth and you're like trying to like not pay attention to it. And you're trying to like live around it and to look away from it.

That's a form of sabotaging yourself. And it's totally okay because it's really just your mind's way of wanting to keep you safe and keep you in the known. Like your mind, the function of your mind is not to help you grow. I think that's a really important thing to call out. So people can stop feeling bad about sabotaging themselves. It's literally your biological programming. It's all like, right? pro you're biologically programmed to stay safe.

and safe is typically within your comfort zone. The same, the no, you know, which we're not saying that's a bad thing either. But if you want to grow and try new things, just know that this is a little, you know, thing that you'll have to work with. And it's again, helpful to have friends to call you out on it and help you. Right. And so of course, I went to chat GPT cat and looked up some of the signs and symptoms of

did you? that what were doing just now? yeah. yeah. So the first one we actually have already talked about, which is recognize your own self-sabotage patterns. And it says notice when you start making excuses. Right. I'm not good enough. I'm not qualified. I don't have the credentials and the credentials are probably just your mind. Yeah. Who do I think I am? People are going to

think that I'm so fake because I'm taking this new opportunity that I've never done before, whatever the things are. Excuses and procrastinating are often the first signs of self-sabotage and you and I have both experienced both of those things. And as we continue to grow and surround ourselves with the right people, we understand that, yes, they can call us out, they can recognize those things and they can help us get back on track with the goals that we have for our lives that are

for ourselves. Yeah. I think another really important or not important, but like helpful kind of journal prompt or affirmation to write down is if you've been like noticing that you've been struggling with this. And I was writing it down for weeks at one point where if I tell you, if I say you, Candace right now, or anybody listening, I'm saying, you know, you're your own best or your own worst enemy. Like you are your own what?

worst enemy is usually what people say like, I'm my own worst enemy. it's just me. it's just what I do. Instead of, and it's so funny when I just said that now, I didn't say worst first, I said best because I've literally like trained myself to say your own best advocate. I love that. That is like that, that would literally I was going to say I was thinking worse, but my body said best because like I've trained myself and I've written it down, your own best advocate, your own best advocate.

because then that can really help kind of soften that inner voice that wants to keep you small and safe. And I'll bet a lot of people in our clever crew are advocates for a lot of people in their lives, advocates for their friends, advocates for their kids, advocates for their partners, advocates for their parents, right? But are they advocating for themselves? Yeah.

Sometimes that feels...

Maybe like you're bragging. I think there can be some confusion there. Maybe like you are, if we go back to Tricia Lee's episode, maybe like you're lacking humility. See, yeah, the humility doesn't come before you do the thing. The humility comes as you're doing it or as you've already done it. like, just like, let's use your example, right, Candice? If you had filled out that assignment,

and you weren't actually capable of doing it, you would have found out. You would have gotten feedback, right? And said, know, I appreciate you going through this exercise. We see some great things here, but there's still lots of room to improve and grow. At this point, we don't think you're the right fit. That's where the humility comes in. And you're like, OK, cool. Let me learn. Let me improve. Let me grow. me come back prepared and experienced. But you don't be humble to keep yourself from ever trying to do the assignment in the first place. What's the point?

Yes, you have to put yourself out there in order to collect the data to know what the next right step is. And look, you'll find out if you're qualified, if it feels fake. But the only way you're going to find out is if you do the thing. Is if you try on that new role or move to that new city or whatever it is, you're not going to know unless you do it.

and that's where the data comes into play. And I truly believe that you always have the ability to become qualified.

You can actually take action over time to make yourself right for that thing that you want. That's just part of learning and growing as a human being. I don't think anyone who tries consistently over a period of time

Like it will be unable to get to that level of qualification. Yeah. And it will be messy. I think that's the thing. Like for me as a recovering people pleaser and recovering perfectionist, you know, saying yes to those opportunities and not making excuses to keep myself in the same place that I'm at. I don't have it all figured out yet. So by default, it will not be.

optimized, it will not be aligned, will not be streamlined, it will not be all the ways and the things that I want things to be so that it can all just work really well and I don't get bogged down. But like that's, that's also maybe where a little the humility comes in to play to the right humility, right? Where you recognize it's going to be messy, you're not going to know everything. But the antidote to like self sabotage is just knowing that you can trust yourself to figure it out.

and that's so funny that you bring that up, Kat, because chat GPT says that. my. You need to be able to embrace imperfection. Yes. It says perfectionism is often the root of self-sabotage. So aim for progress, which I think we say all the time, not perfection, progress over perfection. And let go of the need to be flawless.

What is even the definition of perfect? Although you are flawless, Candice, in case you thank you. I appreciate that. You're welcome.

But what we know is that perfectionism is a myth. It's not real. There's no such thing. Mm-hmm. so literally, dictionary.com. Guys, you want to know how to become such a good writer and such a good storyteller? Bookmark dictionary.com and thesaurus.com. And for you, Jen Alphas, I'll send you a dictionary in the email, in the mail. Wow. my gosh. Anyway, definition of perfect. It's an ideal.

It's something that matches an ideal and an ideal is aspirational. It's not real. It's something you aspire to. Right? Yeah. It's also something that you've made up. I think you make up your ideal. yeah. So you're if you're self-sabotaging, you're literally punishing yourself being your own worst enemy because of something that's not even real.

That doesn't make a lot of sense. It really doesn't. And I feel like where you and I have had the most success is where we celebrate the small wins along the journey. Because we have not arrived yet in our minds. have so many other things that we want to do. My mind is always onto the next. Always. We have.

You know, we just started our YouTube channel, which is really cool. If you haven't checked us out on YouTube, definitely do that. Subscribe. but we just started our YouTube channel. We got a new producer of our podcast. We are starting to grow in our listenership. We are growing in our subscribers on YouTube. We're growing in our Instagram. All those things are growing and we are, how many years in? Year and a half? Two?

It's going to be our two year anniversary, September 15th. There you go. We're coming up two years. And so there's always going to be a new goal or milestone that we want to hit. But when we celebrate the small wins along the way, then we are excited and motivated and encouraged to keep going instead of being like, we're not where we want to be yet. Yeah. think that that word motivation, that's something that I see

A lot of people get mystified by they're just like, how do you stay motivated? How do you find the motivation as if it's like hidden in the back of their closet? And I feel like, whereas brand building and, and growth is a journey is a marathon. Motivation is like a sprint, you know, it's like a what's the next small thing, the next best step that I can like totally crush, totally achieve. And, and like,

it seems possible to me. And then I go and I do it and you take a moment to appreciate it. You call up your best friend, be like, Hey, guess what I just did. And then they hype you up. And then you just do, you just keep doing that little by little. We recently did an episode about Mel Robbins morning routine. And one of the things that she recommended is that you spend five minutes a day working towards the thing that you want to think that's going to light you up. The thing that you're passionate about and

I think that's connected here as well. Sometimes you just need to find one thing in your day that makes you feel like you're getting closer to what you want to be. Like we want to be in like the top 0.01 % of podcasters. Okay. We're in about top 2.5 to 3 % right now. And we know where we want to be. So the small thing that I'm doing today is recording an episode with you Kat. That's it.

Right? That's it. We get the recording dates on the calendar. Yeah. One thing that I'm doing to help reach our goals.

So think about what that thing is for you. Yeah. I think another important thing to keep in mind if you are noticing self-sabotaging behavior is to always go back to what it is that you want. Being very clear and very specific. And you could even just start by doing a vision board on Pinterest. If you're like, I'm so lost, maybe you're going through a really tough time, and it's really hard to be clear.

Just starting with a vision board and putting that together. Like that's an exercise I go through probably every six or so months. I usually don't wait until like the new year because in my mind, June is the new year for me and my birthday and it's November for you, Candice. But I think knowing what you want is almost like a way of making a promise to yourself. And that has helped me.

in inquiring like the voices and just saying like, shit, well, if I said that this is what I want, like this is what future me wants, I gotta like be a little bit uncomfortable so I can be like super bougie and boss like in the future, you know? Yes. So I think answering that question can really help kind of silence the self-sabotage. I was on Instagram the other day and our friend Chelsea Pites posted a real

I know she's great. Look her up guys. We'll tag her in the show notes for you you don't follow her already. What are you doing with your life? You need to follow her. She's amazing. We're saving you. You're was talking about, and I don't remember how she phrased it, but I'll say that she was talking about like hidden metrics. So specifically she was talking about Instagram and people are always looking at likes, views, comments. Right. But sometimes there are other metrics that can show you that you're on the right track and show you that you are.

making progress that maybe aren't numbers necessarily. Maybe it's telling you when they see you in real life, I keep seeing you on Instagram, like you're doing a great job, or I really liked this reel, or that story was so funny, or this piece of information really helped me. Maybe it's someone shooting you a DM and saying, I needed to hear that today. It's just one person, and it's not that you got a million views, and it's not that you got 100 comments.

It's just that one person was like, thanks for this. I appreciate that. Like they feel seen and you are strengthening that relationship. And there's a bunch of like hidden metrics that maybe aren't the numbers that you want to see, but are still indicators of growth and progress. And that transformation is actually happening. That it's so funny that you say that because that literally happened to me.

Yesterday, I was on a client session and I hopped on and I could totally tell that my client wanted to tell me something. I always come to client sessions with a little bit of an agenda, but I'm always like, what's going on in your world? Because your world's crazy. Let's help you and get centered. She brought up a voice note that I had published on Your Life Rebranded. This voice note, Candice, I had recorded.

On a Monday when I was like not feeling myself, I was not motivated. was like, I think we, I had even canceled our recording session because our planning session. I literally had canceled all my meetings on this Monday and I was just, I was like, today is canceled. I need to take care of myself. I need to rest. Like that was the overwhelming feeling. And so then the next day after I had moved through all of that heaviness and I had rested and recovered, I just voice noted saying y'all.

If you are like having a day permission to just cancel all the things. And I was like, you know, if you have family or team dependent on you and you can't just do that, totally get that. like cancel everything humanly possible because trying to force it and trying to, know, so I basically went all into that, right? Giving, saying that taking a day off doesn't mean you're worthless. And this client was like, she was almost in tears at how much it meant to her. And then I almost was in tears because

I just voice noted that. was like a five minute thing, you know? Right. Yeah. I didn't even think twice about it. It was for you. It was for you more than it was for someone else. Yeah. And it actually helped someone. Yeah. Every time I hop on with a client and they bring up something that we talked about on Not Nice and Clever, I'm like, I said that? I don't even remember what happens here. Thank gosh we're recording. I know. I'm just like in the Well, because I just feel like I'm talking with a friend, you know, because we've never lived in same city. like, this is our built-in catch up time.

Yeah, it's so funny when people bring up topics that we've talked about or something that we said that resonated with them and we love it. And we actually started to be really intentional about reading reviews every week as well, which also makes me excited when I read reviews that are kind of unexpected. So thank you all for that. Yeah. But it's incredible how many people you can impact when you're putting yourself out there and maybe some

and uncomfortable situation for a lot of people, like podcasting is not easy. It's fun. And I'm grateful that I have a great partner to do it if I just sat back and thought about every single thing that I say on this podcast, I would probably be mortified. No, it's honestly, if you're feeling self-sabotage, get yourself a bestie that can...

be there. That's the best. Like that's the best tip I think of all the ones that we've shared because like we said, your mind is programmed to keep you safe. like you self-sabotaging is not your fault. But if you want to change it and if you're listening to this episode, you're now aware of it. You have the responsibility and the ability to change it. and look at what chat GPT said, Kat, it said that you should focus on

You should focus on small and consistent steps. And I think that's what we're talking about here. Those big goals can be very overwhelming, but if you break them down into smaller, manageable steps, you'll build momentum and confidence. I think that's where the celebrating the small wins and milestones along the way surrounding yourself with the right people who are helping you out. And the last tip that track GPT gives is visualize your success.

So you brought up the Pinterest board, which is an amazing idea. like to do mine physically. I'm like old school. I still get the magazines and cutouts and put them on a piece of paper. I frame it though. Like I went to Michael's and I got a frame with like little border and everything. Of course you did, you former teacher. yeah, of course I did. But definitely having that visualization. think, one thing it says here that's really cool is mental rehearsal.

like, picture it going well, rehearse how you're gonna approach whatever that thing is that you're gonna do, which I do think helps you build confidence, because then you go into the conversation for me, I would definitely rehearse the conversation in my mind. And then I would go into it knowing that I've already had this conversation, so this is not the first time it feels more familiar, and then I'll more confident going in. So I love that idea. And I think along with visualization to me,

affirmations go with that as well because I'm seeing the same sentence over and over again or the same word over and over again. I'm writing it. Yep. So I would count that there as well.

All of the anti self-sabotage tips here for all the momentum and motivation. We hope that you have enjoyed this episode of Not Nice Clever. If you don't have a bestie that can pull you out of your self-sabotaging habits, just DM us. We'll shoot you a voice note. We will set you right. We're here for you, Clever Crew. And remember to leave us a five-star review as well.

Thanks for joining us on Not Nice, Clever. Remember to follow Not Nice, Clever wherever you listen to audio. And if you haven't already, drop that five star review. Share your takeaways. Tell us your story. We love to hear it. Signing off, you're not so nice, but so clever besties that mean business. See you soon.