Real Talk on Confidence and Self-Worth with Taya DiCarlo

In this episode of Not Nice. Clever., we sit down with the fierce and fabulous Taya DiCarlo—a powerhouse in the real estate world and a beacon of authenticity.

Taya opens up about her journey from being a "recovering people pleaser" to becoming a bold, unapologetic voice in the industry. She dives deep into the difference between confidence and self-worth—and how understanding this distinction helped her break free from the cycle of seeking approval.

From those “aha” moments when you realize, yes, your mom was right all along, to the raw and honest reflections on how she keeps showing up, even when self-doubt creeps in. It’s a conversation filled with laughter, a few emotional moments, and plenty of wisdom for anyone looking to grow their personal brand or find their own path in business.

Follow Taya On Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tayadicarlo

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Transcript

Today we are so excited to be sitting down with a true powerhouse in real estate and social media, Taya DiCarlo. She's known for her relatable wisdom and her authenticity. Taya has turned her real estate expertise and life lessons into a thriving online presence. As a trusted voice in the industry and a self-proclaimed recovering people pleaser, Taya blends business savvy with heartfelt advice on everything from buying and selling to self-love and parenting and

so many things in between. In this conversation, we're gonna dive into her journey of overcoming people pleasing and the valuable lessons we realize our moms were right about as we get older. We kinda got a little emotional there when we were talking about that one, so stay tuned for that. Get ready for some real talk with the one and only Taya DiCarlo. Okay, we're diving right in here. So your social media presence, Taya, has grown.

into a powerful platform for your real estate career and obviously a personal brand. And Kat and I are talking to people all the time about how important it is to build your brand. But in the beginning, those first days, can you talk to us about how you initially decided to kind of go all in on putting yourself out there? Because a lot of our audience is listening and they're in those beginning phases where they're like, who am I to create a video? Who would care what I have to say? And I know you were there once too.

Yes, yes. And I have now been at it for over 10 years. So before I share my story, I will say, do not compare your chapter one with my chapter 10. Right. It's so easy to say, I want to take the magic pill and just be right where she's at. But and I told I tell my kids this, you learn the most when you fail. You learn the most when you lose. Like my son lost a soccer game. I'm like, yeah, but you guys worked your butts off. And man, you guys know better for next time. So when it comes to social media.

When I was doing it, nobody was doing it. Nobody. In fact, I got made fun of to my face and behind my back by, you know, both both fronts. so then that tells you, God, like if people who know me are talking about me in a negative way, what are strangers saying? Right. So I had to overcome that. And mind you, back then, there was not this herd, this community of people who were

playing and experimenting with video content for their business. In fact, it was seen as unprofessional. And for me, my background is in television. My background is in film. I went to school for journalism and I studied acting. I moved to LA to be an actor and I started making a lot more money in real estate. But at the very beginning, I will say that I failed forward.

I started with a video blog. I started with, it's very cheesy. I don't even know if there's still video footage of it online, but. Well, we will definitely be Googling that. Don't worry. We'll find something. I had a video blog called Hermosa Living because I started as an assistant in the business, but I didn't branch out on my own until about.

2011, 2012, this is like before I got married, before I had kids. And I would take a video and go to like shops and restaurants because when I was a TV host, that's what I did. It was like best of the Bay, best of LA. And we would go interview, you know, shop owners or whatever and sell the community. And I thought, you know what? That's what real estate is. Not only am I negotiating the deal, but I'm selling the community to a buyer.

where I'm helping a seller sell their favorite thing about a community. And so my big epiphany, my big aha moment to go all in on video was, why is it that people who know me aren't hiring me? Like, I'm actually really good at this. I'm cold calling, I'm door knocking. If they knew how good I was at this, if they could see me and I could prove to them how good I am, there would be no doubt they would work for me. And so I had to really get over the fact that the people who knew me didn't hire me.

in very beginning. was complete strangers from cold calls. And I had to build my business brick by brick, video by video, failed video after failed video. And I didn't really get momentum until 2020. So how many years in would that have been? my God. So if you think about some of my first videos of Hermosa living, my God, cringe, cringe. And by the way, my Instagram page back then was like, Tia, to Carlo properties. I mean, it was like,

I can't write. were. Yeah. Yeah. And so, get it back then. I want to say, let's, let's do the math. mean, really, I didn't get my first MLS credit to like, I think it was 2013. So I had like a couple years there where I was just working on a team. was getting hourly. was offering to run other agents, Facebook pages. Yeah. Cause you just need to make some cash and they didn't know how to do it. Yeah. They're like, what's Facebook? You know what I mean? And so I was doing.

casual videos. I these were not like, I didn't know what I was doing. And I was just failing forward and throwing shit at the wall and seeing what stuck. So 2012, 13, 14, 15, 16. And in those five years, I had two children and three pregnancies, right? I suffered a miscarriage. I got married in 2012. I had my first baby in 2014, miscarriage in 2015, and a baby in 2016. So those five years,

I was putting myself on camera when I didn't look and feel my best. was starting and stopping my career three different times. Like very stressful, very stressful time in my life. But I just kept pushing forward. And so when you really think about that, those five years were the best time for experimentation. Yes. When no one's watching. No one does. So there's like, who cares if you had a shitty video?

No one fucking saw it. You know, my, my mom liked it and she commented on it. Thanks mom. You know what I mean? And I liked it myself, but it wasn't until I really leaned in and got, strategic with it then. I, and like Candice, you've taught before what is your brand, right? I never really had that thought of what my brand was until around 2019. I thought, you know what? I need to get serious about this. And I bought big post-its.

slapped him on the wall in my office. And I wrote down just like, whatever spoke to me. was like, what colors do I think of when I think of me? And what colors do other people think of when they think of me? And what's important to me? What's my why? What do I love about where I live? Where do I see? Like, I literally did this vision board for my business brand. And then I started building videos. And that's how I came up with Teas Two Cents, which was the very beginning of 2020 before the pandemic.

And I started doing those videos out of an extra bedroom in my house. Yep. And I started content baking and then I was like, just post one video a week. We'll see how that goes. And then I'll splice in some proof of success, some property tours, some behind the scenes. And before you know it within just like two, three months of me just being consistent with a plan. All of a sudden I was coined as this realtor who has a brand and has this content. And I was like, well, well, well, guys, I just started.

doing taste two cents, like, you've always been doing it. I'm like, my God, I have them full. And then I had to get over my imposter syndrome. You know what I mean? So it's like, but again, if you fall in love with the journey, like, you you're all, there's no final destination. I'm still refining my brand. I'm still rediscovering myself because now I'm a single mom. And now I'm like, you know what I mean? Now I'm like, okay, now I do a lot more luxury.

Okay, what does that look like? What does that feel like? And now I'm 42. I'm not 30. You know what I mean? So it's like, and now my kids are older. So it's just, you have to be in love with the journey of failing. And your brand evolves along with you and your life and everything that goes along with it. And I think the thing that holds a lot of people back is feeling like they have to know today what their brand is going to look like in five years. And although we could

we can have an idea of where we want to go. Ultimately, your brand is just going to evolve just like everything else in your life. so it's like, you know, because some of the things that we've heard some clients say is, well, you you're in it, you're in a media friendly city or you understand the industry. So it's easier for you or you got in early or late or this or that. And it's like, it's a journey regardless of whatever advantages you have. And

that imposter syndrome too, after doing video for years, you still struggled with like, Candice and I talk about that often. Yeah, it pops up, right? It's like, like, I thought I handled you like, Nope, it's right there. Well, especially when it's in your face, especially when the comments are in your face, or you, you know, you have people in your life who tell you what people say. And you're like,

I'm going to kindly request that you don't tell me. Let's just put a boundary right there. I've paid my therapist a lot of money to quiet my inner voice. I don't need to hear the outer voices. Do you know what I mean? And let's be real. There are people who don't wish you well. I don't want to be a Debbie Downer, but there are people out there who can't wait for you to fall and they have their own issues. But it's, I have learned.

that it's my responsibility to protect my peace. I cannot control what other people say about me. I can't control how other people act. I can only control how I react to their rudeness, how I react to their kindness, how I react to criticism. I can only, and I'm going to get deep here, I can only react to my own inner thoughts, right? I had this conversation with my therapist last week.

And I said to her, go, so Dr. D, what you're telling me is you want me to like talk to myself like a freaking lunatic. And she goes, that is mindfulness. And I'm like, my God. So mindfulness is taking the observer. Well, you're probably already you're already talking to yourself. Well, and we're not conscious of that. Right. So the moment you have that awareness that you are talking to yourself, you can have this

out of body experience where you're taking the observer stance. And when you take that observer stance, because any of us can give advice to other people. It's hard to give ourselves that advice. So when I have my imposter syndrome, when I have when I'm overly critiquing myself, when I'm I have 10 videos to share and I haven't posted any of them because I'm like in my head, I take the observer stance and I go, OK, what's really going on here?

Where am I feeling this in my body? Is it up in my head? Because if it's in my head, it's a lie, right? It's that inner voice that's there to keep me safe, that's to avoid danger. But that's our primal instinct, right? Is to keep ourselves safe when in reality, in business, in life, in modern day life, taking risks is where you get rewarded. If you just sat here and did nothing, you're guaranteed to have nothing. And so for me,

getting out of my own way to this day. is a practice. It is not, I don't want anyone listening to think that I have it all figured out. Cause I definitely don't. Look at this creepy hand behind me, by the way. These are like my- We're here for the Halloween vibes. In case anyone wants to know, I don't just have like a fetish for Halloween with like creepy skeleton hands coming out. If you did, it would be okay though. We love Halloween here.

I would have a whole new audience. They're like, we totally dig her. She looks like a basic blonde, but she's got like edge. She's got edge. But my point is that there, even the people who have training to be on video, you know, but you have to remember that training was for a certain objective. This, the internet, social media, movies, television.

I would argue that it has evolved more in the last three to five years than it has in the last 20. Where you're even seeing commercials that are being filmed on a handheld. You're even seeing Ariana Grande film videos with bad lighting and no microphone because it feels more intimate. Right? So you have to figure out what works for you and get out of your own way and understand that if at the end of the day, you're a good person, you know your shit and you're being consistent.

who cares what anyone else says. And that's what I tell myself all the time when I hesitate posting. I'm like, God. I'm like, don't look at the comments. Try not to be a people pleaser. I think about that often if I'm critiquing myself too much or I am hesitating to hit post. I say, if my best friend showed me this video, what would I tell her? I'd be like, fucking post it. my gosh, you did that? That's so cool. Like, let the world know what you do. I would be...

her hype person immediately. And so I have to remind myself, like, how would I react to my best friend if she was having these moments? And I would be like, hell yeah, put it out there, go for it, do it. And so I have to tell myself those things too. That's great advice. So people pleasing is definitely on our list of things to talk about today. Really? Yes, because it's definitely been a thing that Kat and I have talked about many times.

evolved in her out of her people pleasing era, I'd say. And I don't know if I actually was in a people pleasing era, but I do know that there's sometimes when I get around people like you, Taya, where I'm like, my gosh, she's so cool. Like, I don't, I want someone who I admire to also think I'm cool. Right? So like, there is like a little like people pleasing in that, like, I don't know if it's fangirling or what.

But I meet people who are doing incredible things and I'm like, how do I get them to want me to hang around them? know? Yeah. Yeah. And I feel like that's probably in the people pleasing vein, I guess. Well, just so you know, I feel the same way. Yeah. So I feel the exact same way. And that's what we need to tell ourselves. It's like, what if? Like we need to start going to the what if positive. Yes. Right. What do you say about that, Kat?

So it was a reframe that one of my coaches had shared with me about like a year and a half, probably almost two years ago. And she was like, Kat, I know you were raised to be a good girl and to always say yes and to always help and to always like always, always, always. Right. And she's like, did you ever stop to ask why you would always say yes? And I thought about it. And the realization my coach was guiding me to was that people pleasing is actually a really subtle form of manipulation.

And that you're wanting to manipulate how people see you, those around you, you want them to think, I always say yes, Kat's got it. She can handle it. She knows everything. She did it. Even if it's not true, even if I don't want to, even if I end up presenting them, even though I was the one that said yes to their request and how can they know they can't read my mind. So when she shared that with me, I was like, I don't want to be manipulative. I don't like manipulative people. And she's like, well, you have a little, you know, I'm like,

So that reframe was really helpful for me to just kind of stamp it out every time it crops up in my day-to-day still to this day. So what I'm hearing is asking yourself, why am I saying yes to this? And is this in alignment with what I'm committed to? Yeah. Is that it? Yeah, gut checking it. Yeah. think for me, because people pleasing has been a really challenging thing for me just my entire life.

whether it's like following the cool girls in elementary school, right? Or compromising your own integrity at a very young age. For me, I take myself as an adult and I've examined this people pleasing stuff, right? Like, why have I stayed in toxic relationships, whether they be romantic or friendships, right? Why?

you know, why have I compromised my values and my morals and integrity to just be accepted by the cool crowd, right? And so I've really unpacked that over the last, I've examined, right, the last 42 years. And what I've come to realize very recently is that for me, people pleasing is recognizing the distinction between confidence and self-worth.

And what I mean by that is that you can be confident and poised and feel good about yourself. And you look in the mirror and you're like, Hey girl, but you can also subconsciously not recognize your worth and compromise your values and, have zero boundaries with manipulators because you're unaware of your worth. Right.

So the distinction between confidence and self-worth, I never really understood that. I was like, well, those are the same things. If you're confident, you know you're valuable, duh. But no, for me, was like, no, I'm confident in so many ways. But when it comes to people pleasing, it was a very hard pill for me to swallow that I didn't understand my value. In fact, I second guessed it.

imposter syndrome, right? But I'm not as good as this person. If people knew how I was behind the scenes, would they actually think the same of me? And like, am I living up to everyone else's expectations and blah, blah, blah, blah. And so for me, recognizing, you know what? I know I'm a good person. I know, I know the answer. Like, I don't, I'm not going to be gaslit by that person and overthink it.

I know I'm right, and I'm gonna stand in that truth. And if I stand in my truth and I know that my side of the street's clean, I can do anything and I can actually establish a boundary. And this is, you've probably seen this on memes and quote cards on Instagram and everything, but the only people who are angry about you establishing boundaries are those who benefited from you having none. And that right there is for me,

a direct correlation to self-worth. Because I recognize now that I, it's not even that I compromised boundaries, I had none. I had none. It was like, I'll do anything to get that deal. absolutely. I won't be unethical. I'll be totally ethical. But I'll work way more hours than respectably necessary. And I will go above and beyond and I'll spend my own money or I'll stay in this relationship and give somebody 10 chances.

because I believe the glass is half full. Like, you know, this is where I've invested so much time and energy. It's like, no, no, no. There comes a time. Hadn't I both been there? Yes. Way more than 10 chances too. Listen, but there, but there comes a, yeah, there comes a time in your life where you go, okay, you know what? I'm going to fire that client. I'm going to fire that person I've been with, right? Or whatever, or I'm going to fire this friend.

Right? You have to stand in your truth and understand that if your truth and your boundary is reasonable to you and is fair to you and it's your life, guess what? If the person on the other end is another respectable human being with their side of the street clean, they're going to honor and respect your boundary. Perfect example relating it to real estate today, working with a client who's been extremely challenging. It's a very nice way of putting it.

Ooh, it's really helping me practice my patience. And I've leaned into chat GPT uploading, uploading emails and text messages and going, help me help this person. Am I crazy for thinking na na na na and even artificial intelligence telling me it sounds like this person has unreasonable expectations. It sounds like you've been going above and beyond.

I recommend sending this person this kind of email. And if after that, they still have a problem, there's nothing wrong with walking away because at a certain, this is AI, because at a certain, because at a certain point you cannot subject yourself to that type of behavior. And I'm like, kind of scary that chat GPT is giving me this advice. But at the same time I was like, wow.

That's actually true. You know what? I'm not afraid of losing this client because if you've read the pumpkin plan, I'm ADHD, just so you know. So if I'm like jumping all over the place. Okay. I have not read the pumpkin plan. Okay. So, so this ties into not only the season that we're in right now, but also to business. Pumpkin farmers will cut off diseased pumpkins on the vine that are sucking up

an unreasonable amount of energy to the large, healthy pumpkins that they're trying to grow for the pumpkin festival. Okay? And so the only way to get more energy to that pumpkin is to cut off a toxic one. And even if that toxic one looks really big, if it's diseased and it's infiltrating the health and wellness of all these other pumpkins, it's got to go.

You know what I mean? And so for me, I've after reading that book and it's all about entrepreneurship and it's a great book. Mike McCallowitz and he actually read, he actually wrote Profit First as well, two excellent books. But I've learned that now I can't be afraid of losing a client, even if the paycheck is really big. If I gave it my all and I'm putting in so much effort and it's taking away from other amazing clients.

There's nothing wrong with standing in my truth, recognizing my value and respectfully saying, Hey, I've given this my all and it's clear to me that we're not in alignment. I'm happy to refer you to someone else or gracefully step down. And the moment I established those boundaries yesterday in an email to this client, guess what? We're back on track, baby. Look at that. We're back on track, but you don't get it twisted. If it happens again, I will walk away.

and you can follow up with me in about 30 days and ask me.

Yeah. So self-worth and confidence tied into people pleasing. If you recognize your self-worth, you actually, you can let go of being a people pleaser and please yourself. Put your oxygen mask on first. So what are some tips to help our listeners recognize their self-worth? What have you, what's worked for you? Well, this is very new to me. I'm, I'm practicing.

on a daily basis. So step one, acknowledging that there is no end game. Yes. Right? That this is a journey. In fact, I was on stage recently in Temecula at a women's conference. And I was talking about how, you know, in life and in business, we've taught that everything's linear. Climb the corporate ladder. You know, moving forward in your life and moving up, up, up, up, up in business.

And we've all just kind of accepted that. And so when you make a mistake or when you make a wrong turn, you feel like you've taken 10 steps back, right? And you feel like you just can't catch a break and you have all these negative thoughts. And so I told the audience, said, well, what if it's not linear?

What if this, this journey in business and in life is not linear? Well, then when you take a wrong turn or two steps back, you're actually further along on the journey. Yes. So it's not backwards. It's not up and down. You're actually right where you're supposed to be. This is an opportunity, any challenge that you have in your life, whether it's a challenging client, a challenging transaction, a challenging relationship, a challenging friendship, challenge, challenge in parenthood, whatever it is.

It is an opportunity to slow down, take a deep breath and ask yourself, what was my role in this? What was my role in this? You not blame. What's my role? Where do I lack accountability? Maybe your accountability is not walking away sooner. Yeah. Right. Relationships are a two way street. You can't just be a victim.

Right? Not to say if you were victimized by a client or relationship, whatever. Now you're you're not being victimized in this very moment. You're a survivor. And again, not to like go back to Dr. Dana, my therapist, but when you said what are some tips, the tips that I go to are from what the guidance she's given me is like my fairy godmother. She says, we're so Halloween. I'm about to drop another Halloween.

But she says the way we speak to ourselves when we're being mindful and having these inner dialogues with ourselves, the words that we choose are so important because words cast spells and that's why we call it spelling. Right. So, so what about this? So it's so important. It's so important because if you say, why can't I just do that? Why can't

They just do that. If you substitute can't with won't, you're like, I can't do that. If you substitute can't with won't, you just go, I won't do that. All of a sudden you're empowered. more powerful. Yeah. You're like, I choose to not do that. Right. You're now it's not happening at you or to you. It's happening for you. It's giving you the opportunity to choose. Do I want to practice patience or do I want to practice self-worth and boundaries? Right. So

I really, I lean into the words I choose, right? I recognize that this is a journey, that failure is a part of the process. And the other tip that I've been using lately, because I recognize that I struggle with ADHD. And I know it's such a buzzword right now, but especially for women, we were so grossly undiagnosed and underdiagnosed for like the longest time.

And that's not to say that you need medication, it's to understand the way your brain works, right? Yeah, most creative people are running super, super fast inside of their brains. And we tend to procrastinate and we tend to get hyper. It's not that we have a lack of focus. We actually hyper-focus on things at the wrong time. So a big tip for anyone who has big ideas, they're so great at.

making a plan, but the doing part is like, I don't really like the doing part. For me, I actually have written this down like all over my house now and it worked really well for me. I play, I turn it into a game of, there's two games. The first game is would you rather and not the would you rather that you're thinking. Yeah. It's that we all played once fun of time, right? It's would you rather for business, right? So we all have that client or that lead.

that we're like, I was supposed to follow up with that person. And I, it's been too long and I'm just going to hide under this rock and pretend. it's awkward now. And what am I going to say? And I'm just going to pretend and pretend to pretend like it doesn't bother me. And guess what? You don't, you don't forget. Every time you're reminded of that person, you feel what? Shame, guilt, remorse, overwhelm. Right? Yes. So I asked myself, would I rather

feel guilt, shame and remorse and have zero possibility of making money with this client. Or would I rather call this client or email this client or text this client and feel a little less shame, a little less guilt and the probability of making some money. Yeah. And when you do it like that, you're like, well, of course. Silly, silly, Taya. And then the other tip for everybody listening, this is a great one. Okay.

Everybody has games in their house with like dice, right? Yeah. Just get one die and then get, you know, six post-it notes and on your post-it notes, six tasks that you've been procrastinating on. Now this can be for life. This can be for business. This can be all the things that you're like, I know I should do it, but you're like, I've got to change the laces on my old shoes. You know what I mean?

On your roller skates, probably. Yeah, my roller skates. Yeah. And so I write them down, right? And usually, by the way, these tasks only take like 15 minutes. my gosh. I know. Right? Yep. But if you trick your brain into making it a game, now you've got the die and you're like, please don't let it be number six. You know what I mean? And you're like, and you roll the die and you're like, damn it. Yeah. And then you do it and it's not that bad.

And you're like, all right, let's do another one. Like, before you know it, you feel good about yourself. And in one hour you've knocked out six tasks that you've been procrastinating on. Yep. So those are, and those tips are directly from Dr. D. I was like, thanks Dr. like, need to write a book and I will write the foreword. I will be your hype girl all day long. Publicist, PR, campaign, yeah, everything. Everything. She's amazing. You mentioned, parenthood.

is as one of like the arenas of your life where you've worked on people pleasing and boundary setting. I am not a mom yet. My partner does have a daughter who's grown. And so I've been kind of stepping into that role, which has been great. And Candice is a mom to be due in just a few months. What? In January. Yeah. Congratulations. I didn't know that. Yes. I was pregnant when I saw you in San Diego, but no one knew my God.

Well, girl, you look great. That's why I was extra sweaty. was like, whoo, it's hot in here.

I wanted to ask you, at your stage and your journey and what you've been through, what have been some moments where, because I've already experienced it watching, for me it was like, my dad was right watching my partner with his daughter. For you, what are some moments where like, mom was right, you immediately want to text her or call her, be like, I am so sorry for October 10th, 1997.

That's Saturday, whatever, you know, what are some of those moments? fuck, how much time do you have? mean, my God. Well, true story, I was on the phone with my mom before I got on on this call. how? Yeah. My mom and I are so close now. We were not when I was a teenager. I mean, without getting totally sidetracked here, I was the teenager that

My mom, my God, my poor mom. true single mom. Like, you know, I'm grateful that I at least get, you know, support from my ex and that we co-parent and that sort of thing. But my mom had full custody of my brother and I and really financially was completely on her own. She is my hero. But I was that teenager that she was like, if you slam that door one more time, I am taking it off. And I was like,

Bam, like, you know, slam it, lock it, that brass, brass knob. And I'm not kidding. Like within five minutes you hear a ngang, ngang, ngang, ngang. And she, true story, took my door and marched it into the garage and locked it for six months. Six months. She goes, well, now you won't slam your door. I was like, I don't know. Problem solved.

Right. People who get upset about you establishing boundaries or those who benefited from you having done. So my mom was like, I will not be walked all over by this manipulative little teenager. and I was, I was, and so what I've learned, God, my mom. I've apologized so many times for, you know, I have an eight and a 10 year old, both boys and man, she was right about so much. Like.

so much and all I can say is that, know, ugh.

I get a little emotional. God, I'm so grateful that I still have my mom. Because a friend of mine sent a picture of like six of us when we were in like seventh grade and only two of us still have our moms. And so the fact that I can like pick up the phone and call my mom and say, my God, what do I do? You know?

and the fact that she picks up every time and lets me just only talk about me. Who else in the world can you just call and be like, I needed to be all about me right now. And I need your advice. And I don't give a shit what you're going through. Like your mom is like, I'm here for you. I'll do anything, you know, and that's how I am for my kids. I don't want to tell my kids what I'm dealing with. Right. And so that's why I don't feel bad when I complained to my mom and.

And like, complained about this client and she's like, do you want my advice or do you want me to listen? mom. And I'm like, I just want you to listen. And she's like, okay. And I'm like, no, I want you to fucking solve it. Like, tell me what to do. And she's like, well, I think that the universe is giving you an opportunity to practice patience. And I'm like,

God damn it. You know, and she's like, what if you what if you saw this as as a learning experience in trusting your gut? Like if you knew this client was going to be this way from the get go, how can you go about this differently in the next time? Right. Just don't say yes to a client like that. Refer, refer it out or whatever. And the other thing that she's told me recently is to like slow down.

slow down, like it's not all urgent. that, yeah, again, reminding me that I'm in full control of my emotions. I am in full control, even when the kids are freaking out and her just being like, you know, like be there for them. And my therapist also saying like, be the mom that you needed in those moments. Right. And my mom was in survival mode.

Constantly and so she would lose her temper and there was a lot of yelling in our house and I've learned now that with my kids I Want to hold emotional space for them and that when they're having a meltdown Which as they should their brain is not fully developed even at eight and ten years old. Yeah, right I this is we have meltdowns Yeah, we have meltdowns all the time. But actually this is my roundabout way of giving another tip. Mm-hmm when a child is getting

extremely upset and unhinged, completely unreasonable, like psychotic. And you could say that you could say the same thing about clients, or hypothetically, No, hypothetically, hypothetically, or a partner or an ex or whatever, hypothetically, to get curious. If you have, if you have a child, if it's challenging for you, if you're hot tempered, like I'm Greek and Irish.

girl. Fire. Fire. Like for me, I practice the way I practice patience. I don't say I'm going to be patient. Like, yeah, right. My brain is like, fuck you. No, we are going to fight. don't fight and flight. We have fight and flight response. I'm like fight every single time. Or fight harder. Exactly. Whereas for me, in order for me to slow down, I trick my brain by just saying, hmm, let's get curious.

Let's get curious about where this emotion is coming from. And just getting curious puts you into the observer stance. Because when you're in the observer stance, you can see things clearly. Like if I told you right now to hold your palm up to your face, like go ahead, like hold your palm super close up to your eyes. Can you see the wrinkles in your hand?

Not really, they're blurry, right? But the moment you pull your hand away, it's like pull your hand further, further, further, further away. Now you can see all the details in your hand. Perspective provides clarity. And in order to get perspective, you have to have distance. And if you can't get physical distance, then time provides distance, even if it's a couple minutes of just going, huh, I'm going to get curious where this emotion's coming from. I'm going to get curious where this anger's coming from.

And then you can hold space for that person and be like, okay, what do you need right now? And then you could say, do you want me to just be here and listen to you or would you like my advice? Right. And then with the client can go, I just need to vent. I'm just angry. I know it's not your fault. I just am pissed off right now. And I'm mad at this situation. It's the principle of the matter. Wonderful. Where do we go from here? So powerful.

Dr. D and Kathy Jo, you know, they really drop in the wisdom. An investment in time and money well made. Yes, I love it. That also makes me think, and I often tell our clever crew to get curious when you are meeting new people and maybe are in a, we're introverts. So we have like anxiety around the

big crowds are meeting new people and being in those spaces. And sometimes getting curious is our tool that we use in our toolkit to start conversations with people or keep conversations going with people when we feel like we don't know how to keep it going, right? So I love that getting curious can also be helpful in heightened situations where you can just remove yourself the emotion of it and really try to be there for someone.

in a way that makes sense for them, which is not always the same thing that we need. Yes, 100%. And I can tell you that most past generations never had emotional space held for them. And so it sounds like or feels like. And so it's hard for them to practice something that they never got. But I can tell you this, when you provide it for someone as their human instinct,

is to feel heard and seen and appreciative and they can't quite put their finger on it, but they're like, I love this person. They make me feel heard and seen and safe and understood. And, you know, and I don't know why this thought just came in my head, but I'll go ahead and share it. The other big lesson and epiphany I've had recently is that it's not my job to explain to someone.

how they've offended me or hurt me.

They know.

People know when they've offended you or mistreated you or lied to you or hurt you or are manipulating you. They are fully aware, fully aware. And that's not to go to the dark side here. This is just this thought that came forward. I'm like, I may as well just say this. It's like, if you can actually recognize your self-worth, which allows you to release your people pleasing,

You don't have to talk at someone and be like, Hey, let me explain to you how what you said was offensive. let me explain to you, let me break it down for you. Honey, they are fully aware. are fully aware. This is Tia saying, don't, you don't need to text him. Okay. You don't need to call your ex and tell him all the 72 things that he did wrong. Yeah. It's like that is, yeah. Yeah. But whether, whether it's your ex or a friend.

or a client, listen, if someone mistreats you or like breaks trust or is not being accountable, right? And they see that you're upset. If they see that you're upset and they don't go, my God, had no, listen, the people who didn't mean to do it, they're the first ones to go.

my God, you're so upset. Is it over what I did? my God, I did not mean to do that. my God, that came out in the worst way possible. Please forgive me. Here's what, how can I make it up? Yes. But the person who goes, the person who gaslights you and goes, I mean, I don't really understand. What's the problem here? Fuck you. You know exactly what the fucking problem is. You know what I'm saying? I'm just going to keep it real. So whether it's a client, cause we're talking about real estate here, we're talking about entrepreneurs.

And the same thing goes for anyone who's writing you something nasty on social media and commenting or whatever it might the phone, give it to your girlfriend for the day. Exactly. And again, if someone comments something nasty, get curious. Before you go and just pepper a comment back, pause, get curious, set a timer for 15 minutes. And if you still feel the same way in 15 minutes, then write something.

But that has been something for me that I've practiced now, like on a regular basis. And I have to consciously slow down and go, I'm not going to be as reactive. I'm going to get curious, which is going to slow things Here's what I meant. yeah, like let's talk. And it's setting a boundary where you are not spending your time or energy trying to convince someone or explain something to someone who likely

doesn't, isn't the person who really cares, right? Because if the person, if they really care, they make that effort before you even get to this place. And so I think it's putting a really strong boundary between you and that person and they're gonna get the hint. Like either you treat me how I want to be treated or you're not gonna be graced with my presence anymore. And then that's on you. And that is self-worth right there.

And tying that back to social media, it's like, if you know what your self-worth is, if you know what your value is, you can confidently stand it. You can confidently communicate that and you can confidently stand in that. you can be insecure and still have self-worth. Yeah.

Confidence doesn't mean you don't have like the little voices or like those moments of insecurity or flights of comparisonitis. It means you do it regardless because you know, right? It's like courage in that way. It's not like you're fearless. You're like almost more aware of all the fears and all the things that go, but you do it anyway. 100%. And the same thing can be said for, you know, I've, I've pushed forward in social media and there have been times over the last couple of years where

I've taken some breaks from social media and I have slowed down and I haven't been producing as much content or behind the scenes things because life happens, right? And in those moments of life challenges, you know, again, you're doing this for you.

It's not to say that that social media is self-serving, but I'm just going to call it like it is in a way it kind of is because you are doing these videos to provide value, right? Whatever that value is in exchange for people showing up at your table to do business with you. So yes, it is self-serving in a way you are providing, you're providing a service, you're providing value, you're

sacrificing yourself, so to speak, putting yourself out there, you're being vulnerable, and then you get rewarded with new relationships and with business opportunities, everything. And so it's okay to take a break sometimes. It's okay to slow down and rebrand yourself and to go, huh, I'm not the same Taya I was in October of 2021. I'm just not.

I'm also not the same Taya that I was in October of 2023. I've, I've experienced some depth in my life over the last three years and I'm constantly navigating it and I've fallen in love with the journey and, and I've had some ups and downs in my business and I have no shame in saying that to people because I think it's, there's a false narrative out there that real estate is just

you know, sunshine and rainbows all the time. Bells, whistles, sports cars, champagne bottles as a civilian. That's what I see. I'm like different than the conversations I have with clients. Yeah. And it's not that way all the time. And in fact, like most entrepreneurs, you will go through seasons, seasons of change where you go, huh, I'm going to have to make some cutbacks. Right. I'm going to have to cause you're a business owner.

you're going to look at your profit and loss statement and go, am I getting a return on that? No, I'm going to pivot. Right. And so just because something worked for you three years ago doesn't mean it's going to work for you now. And it doesn't mean, and it doesn't mean that you're worse off or not as successful because again, life is not linear. We're taking some step backs. We're cutting off the diseased pumpkins to grow a bigger, more beautiful pumpkin and to be more successful. that's where all the pumpkins kill the pumpkins. That's where I'm at right now.

where I have made significant, you know, cutbacks in my business because I have big plans for the future. And I'm really enjoying being humbled because I know, like I told my son yesterday when they lost their soccer game, they were down, but they were so damn gritty. mean, they were getting 10 year olds are fierce.

10 year old boys are throwing elbows, they're slide tackling, they're checking each other's wild. But I'm like, they were, they could not be counted out. They could not, they were down by four goals and you would have thought that it was tied. You would have thought that it was tied. They were like, we will be damned if we're gonna get our noses shoved in this. Like we're gonna go down with a fight. And there was something beautiful in that moment where- The bonding and like the,

Yes, and that's That's life. When you're down and out, correct me if I'm wrong. When shit's hard. no, that's where all of it That's where you sharpen that axe and you're like, yeah baby, next season it's on. Like it's on. Like, cause the winners, they fall asleep at the wheel, don't they? If they win too many seasons in a row, they get a little cocky. They lose their hunger.

They lose the hunger. They really do. And I, and that's why I'm, I'm seeing it through the perspective. Cause again, words are important, right? I'm seeing it through the perspective of this is an off season for me personally, but it's not indicative of who I am. And, and I'll, leave you with one more Dr. Dana quote. Cause she's so damn good. we love you, Dana. Dr. D we're going to have to send this tour.

she's so good. I said to her without divulging what I'm going through privately, cause you wouldn't know it, but I'm navigating the hardest year of my life right now. and I say that with a smile on my face because on our last call, I was like really upset. And I said, I don't want this challenge to define me.

And I feel like it's become my new identity. And it feels itchy and it feels heavy. And I feel disgusting. I don't feel like myself. This is not me. And she goes, well, can I offer you a perspective? Yes. Like, it to me. She's like, one snapshot, one photograph is not indicative of the entire album.

It is simply a snapshot. If you were flipping through a photo album and you saw one photograph that was kind of like, ooh, that's... Remember those times? That was dark. That was messed up. But you're like, but look at these thousands of other photographs that are so amazing. And look at all of these beautiful moments that happened after that dark moment that maybe would have never existed. It's that perspective again.

stepping back and seeing that picture differently. Yes, the depth, Like holding it back. And because if you're only looking at this one photograph, of course, that's all you see. Yeah. But that allowed me to go, that is not my identity. Yeah. That is not my story. That is not how this ends. Like, this is a journey. This is not linear. This is like, and it's not going to last forever. Everything is temporary. The good, the bad and the ugly. They're

all temporary. So when you have the good moments, you savor them like eating dessert really slowly, right? And when the bad moments happen, you go, well, we're going to buckle down for the storm.

and let it pass, right? And just control what you can control and let go of the rest. This has been so amazing. Thank you so much. We have a few things left. We have a few things left. We are also sending you all the good vibes to navigate this year and love and light and grace and ease and everything. love to hear that. it's transitioning already. I already feel it. But again, that's all about perspective, right?

This is for the clever crew. If you've been listening to this whole episode, this is a reminder to you that personal branding and personal development go hand in hand. You are not going to build a personal brand that you feel proud of if you're not spending time developing who you are as a human being and committing to getting better every day. The next thing we want to do with you, the last thing we want to do with you, Tanya, I know we're over time, but so many incredible stories. couldn't stop. Yeah, we couldn't stop.

I told you. I told you. you did. She warned us. Kat is going to do a rapid fire with you and then we're going to let you go. Go ahead, Kat. Rapid fire. Okay. So rapid fire number one, Taya, what was one of your childhood nicknames? my God. We have to know. God. I don't know if I want to say it. Come on.

Or you could do high school nicknames or college nicknames. God. See the college one that I'm worried about. I'm just going to say my nickname. I'm not going to, I'm not going to, I'll do an off record one for you. But the nickname that people who know me really well will just call me T. Okay. That's so safe. But T is you gave us a lot of other stuff today, we're going to let you pass with the T. Okay.

Are you, very apropos as we're recording this originally in October, are you team pumpkin spice or not? No, not team pumpkin spice. Okay, good to know. What is the most underrated tool or software that you use in your business? My therapist. Ooh, yes, so good. So good. What makes you nervous? The moment before posting a video. Still, 10 years in. Yeah.

Clever Crew, no excuses on your seventh video ever. Who is your celebrity crush?

Jennifer Aniston. Timeless. I just love her. She's half Greek like me. I didn't know that. I've loved her and yeah, I just I've loved her since Friends and she I love her and Reese Witherspoon. Great choices. Okay, last book or audio book that you couldn't pick down? my God, where do I even start? Just the last one. God. Okay.

that I couldn't put down. I binge listened to The Mountain is You by Brianna Weist. Hold on, I'm writing that. So The Pumpkin Plan. Yup. Thank you. Yeah, it's all about overcoming self-sabotage.

Okay, so as you probably know, because you've seen Candace at events when you both have spoken there, she's often at the airport. So, Taya, your airport arrival time when you're traveling, is it two hours before boarding or two minutes before boarding? Two hours. I'm a bougie club girl. I want to go up to the Sky Club. There we go. I want, Get those delta points. All the things. All right, there we go. I'm working on converting Candace, but as it stands, she is still like team last call, last boarding call over the intercom.

I have one more celebrity crush. tell us. Because it's like totally funny. And it's funny that they're women, that my crushes are women. I love men, but like my celebrity, my celebrity get starstruck. I do. I don't really get starstruck by men. I'm like, you're just another guy. Sorry I said it. I love men, but my celebrity crushes are obviously women. I love Kristen Wiig.

my boyfriend and I, send each other Kristen Wiig gifts on a daily basis. Like we are obsessed with her. I'm obsessed with her. think she's so funny and I just think she's amazing. The best. Shout out Kristen Wiig. All right. So another thing you may not know about me, I love all things astrology as a way of better understanding people. like the new age Myers-Briggs. So, Taya, do you know your sign and if not, what's your birthday?

girl, I am a Taurus. I am loyal as the day is long. Stubborn. Someone is scheming. I will come for you. I will come. love my Taurus women. And if anyone screws over my friends, will pray for you. came for me. Pray for these people. Yeah. I am, I am a hardcore Taurus. May 11th. Heart of May. Yeah. man. I like, I am as, as Taurus as they come. I love that so much.

My moon is in Taurus. So Taurus women, like with the strength of loyalty, just like the mafia mentality. love it. love it. Like absolutely. Okay, well, this has been so much fun. This hour flew by. Please share the clever crew. Where can they find you and hang out with you online? The best place to find me is on Instagram at Taya DeCarlo. I still play on TikTok. I'm rarely on Facebook. So Instagram is the best place to find me.

Amazing. Well, go connect with Taya and thank you so much for spending so much time with us today. This was such a treat.